Thursday, July 23, 2009

morning beverage of choice.

smoothie

It tends to come as a shock to people who know me when they find out I don't drink caffeine. I'm a pretty high strung individual, I guess you could say I'm kind of hyper. I'm also a morning person! (Right now, most of you are probably mentally punching me in the face, like "SCREW YOU ASSHOLE! YOU GET UP AT 7 A.M. AND THEN DON'T DRINK COFFEE AND STILL GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS?") I know. It gets even more irritating though- I'm a BARISTA- I have been for over 6 years now. I get up at 7 a.m. and then I go MAKE OTHER PEOPLE COFFEE. On top of that, my husband's in the coffee business as well. I'm worse than a bald barber- I'm like a barber that just shaves her head for the hell of it, because WHY NOT? WHO NEEDS HAIR? NOT ME!

But seriously, caffeine wacks me out and makes me jittery, so I don't drink it. Sometimes I get decaf (but people kept asking me if I was pregnant, augh!), or I'll grab an iced americano, sip about a 3rd of it, and then give it to my husband when I'm done. Lately in the mornings, I've been eating pretty light breakfast, and it isn't quite enough to keep me going until my mid-morning snack, so I've been making myself smoothies. The best part about this is that my son thinks he's getting milkshakes for breakfast and he goes NUTS.

smoothie2

Everyone has their own smoothie preferences, but mine are totally infantile and weird. I have a ton of dumb texture issues, because I'm a recovering picky eater. I can't handle it if my smoothies are too runny, have giant chunks in them, or aren't very cold. I know, I'm like a 3 year old. Actually, I'm worse than a 3 year old, because my 3 year old doesn't give a shit, he just chugs it down like it's the nectar of the gods no matter what I put in it.

I used to be way too lazy to make smoothies for a really stupid reason- my blender sits way back in the far end of the cabinet and I'm too lazy to drag it out, use it, clean it, and put it away. I mean, that's pretty dumb, but not as dumb as when I realized that this whole time, I've been pulling out my CUISINART, moving it out of the way to remove the blender, then putting it back, then using the blender, then removing the cuisinart AGAIN, etc.- when OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN JUST USE A GODDAMN CUISINART TO MAKE A SMOOTHIE. AND IT DOES A SUPERIOR JOB. I don't mean to freak out, but how could I have not noticed this? Our cuisinart was like the holy grail of our wedding gifts (Thanks SO MUCH, Jason's old coworkers at The Paradox, for providing us with quality kitchen equipment.) and it is the second most-used kitchen gadget in our kitchen, sliding in close behind the rice cooker. That means it's always front and center and IT ALSO GOES IN THE DISHWASHER, so what the hell? My cuisinart is now also my smoothie-maker.

Anyway, because I'm a giant picky baby about my smoothies, they MUST have the following to be delicious: 1 or more bananas (maybe 2!), frozen berries, plain yogurt, and honey. I will deviate from this formula only to add additional fruit, like if I have a nectarine lying around, that basically makes it perfect. Then I blend it into oblivion and chug it as fast as I can because it's delicious. I wish I was drinking a smoothie right now, instead of this crappy white wine I picked up at Trader Joe's for 5 bucks.

Sorry you got such a boring post out of me, I've been eating nothing but salads and hippie chow, in response to the warm weather and also because I'm on yet another health kick. Good vibez, y'all. Wooooo, hippies!

Also, speaking of hippies- what raw foodies refer to as smoothies are actually just disgusting babyfood, y/y? Kale blended with water and ice? AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

37 comments:

becka said...

Hahaha, I love this post. I totally hear you about the laziness surrounding actually getting out the blender. Also on the smoothie ingredients + cold + no gross chunks (really, it just makes it seem like vomit to me then) = basically perfect.

Cate said...

I love this post. I, like you, am a high strung individual and morning person, but I do drink coffee, and my husband seriously wishes I didn't. I realize I really don't need any extra energy, but at this point I just don't want to deal with the headache that comes with trying to stop!

Léna, said...

oh thank god you mentioned the stupid green smoothie thing, which i do not understand and hate its association with vegans and being awesome. blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. gimme bannana maple syrup, berries and sorbet any day of the week.

yours in smooth affection, L

A said...

I was a barista too, years ago (when no one even called it "barista"), and I found that just having coffee grounds under my nails from grinding the espresso made me jittery. I didn't drink a lot of coffee then, either.

postJazz said...

Yarg. Ick to banana. Replace with mango. And then you're drinking 'lassi' and are therefore an ancient indian as opposed to ultra modern. Mango lassi is the answer.

Some quite squishy mango flesh (you can FREEZE it, too, so you get the right sort of cold...)
Greek-style or creamy whole milk yoghurt
Apple juice or honey-and-water to sweeten/thin
I like to add a drop of lime because I like the sours.

Blend. Drink. It's amazing. I lived on them in India.

Peggasus said...

I'm not a coffee drinker, either. Maybe a few times a winter I'll make a cappuccino, but that's about it. I have Coke zero every morning instead.

I use a Magic Bullet for my smoothies! I know, I fell for the infomercial, but I really love it! It's small, easy to clean, and comes with all those cups.

Kate said...

I think you just inspired me to make a smoothie! and um, aren't the smoothies 'raw' (other than the yogurt i suppose)

Claudia said...

Oh, I just love your badass blog. Amid all the other precious, smug food/parenting blogs out there, yours is very refreshing.

And you succeeded in making a long-time vegetarian pine, like a love-sick teenager, for hot dogs cooked in bacon fat.

Amanda Nicole said...

I go on a morning smoothie kick once in a while, and they're pretty much exactly what yours is except that I add a dash of cinnamon. Cinnamon and blueberries? Yes please.

Elaine said...

"ohhhh" was the sound of my sheepish realization, when I read this, that I too have been moving my cuisinart to get to my blender for morning smoothies. That's a little humiliating. I'm all about the smoothie--for the health benefits, then for the way it lets me feel smug when I tell people, "yeah, I do a fruit and oat smoothie in the mornings, then quinoa or salad for lunch and dinner." See? If I don't mention the whiskey, it sounds so healthy!

Alicia Lynn Carrier said...

lena- oh my god, let me be honest- i LOVE a good green smoothie. i like to get those odwalla super green whatevers with algae and wheatgrass and shit. i've just read on raw food blogs, recipes for "smoothies" that just call for a bunch of greens and then WATERRRRRRR to blend it all together and the idea just makes me wanna flomit. bananas at least, please.

The Daily Dose said...

Ewww WATER smoothies.Ehhckk. I make the exact same smoothies you do! Sometimes when I'm craving chocolate, I'll do a banana, cocoa powder, almond milk smoothie. yummm. <3 bananas

Marina said...

I love making smoothies too! The key is to always use frozen fruit instead of ice, which just makes it runny and watered down. My favorite creation is frozen cherries, light chocolate soy milk, banana, and a little bit of yogurt for creaminess.

Kristina said...

Oh yes, I'm with you on the caffeine. The most intense thing I ever drink is green tea with lots of milk and honey-- and even that is enough to make me WIRED.

Those green Odwallas are like drinking pond scum. They taste good, but man, pond scum.

Julia said...

you're hilarious. also, the reason that i haven't made a smoothie since 2000 (when i worked at a smoothie shop)is that i don't own a blender. i do, however, now own a cuisinart, and am swimming in fresh fruit. so the smoothies will start coming.

Kelly J. Johnson said...

I love this post too! I am also a three year old when it comes to smoothies. Funny because no one would ever call me a picky eater. I've always been more of a human garbage disposal. But not when it comes to smoothies. It must have bananas and yogurt to be creamy enough and better be very cold because otherwise, gross. My secret trick for making them freak-out good is to add a little bit of cinnamon and vanilla. Holy yums. Really. I learned it in Mexico where they make these smoothie-like things called liquados and always put cinnamon and vanilla in them. It brings out the flavor of the fruits and makes the smoothie even more desert-like.

Zoe said...

I don't drink coffee either, I blend a smoothie once in a while...I like mango, lots of frozen berries and milk. Yum!

Maija said...

ha, you are such a funny writer - I love it. I am still laughing about your burrito post (and btw, the spanish rice is becoming one of my new basics! so thanks!).

I love smoothies, too, but I hear you on laziness. To me, smoothies seem like a weekend thing, as they seem like way too much work to make before going to work! I sometimes add silken soft tofu to mine - yes, it's hippie. so? - but it adds more protein & keeps me going longer. I also am like you & need constant snacks throughout the day so I don't scarily crash or hurt myself or others.

Clover said...

Being a barista sounds so hectic! I don't need coffee in the morning, either, to wake up fully. I'm usually just pretty peppy (I love mornings).

Strawberry smoothies with in-season strawberries are the BEST. Add some cocoa powder and, I swear, it tastes like chocolate covered strawberries!...liquified!

veralicious. said...

i feel the same about the green smoothies
but i had a bunch of greens a couple of weeks ago that i had no idea what to do with and no room in my freezer to keep them, so i was researching about it and i found this website:

http://www.emaxhealth.com/14/1182.html

and its brilliant because the recipes have greens and such in them but enough fruit to make it taste normal and tasty. also, i love to put avocados and blanched almonds in my smoothies. fabulous. oh and flax seeds or flax oil would be great to get some extra omega-3s in there.

love the blog.
- katelyn

here is my hair said...

I just got a Cuisinart the other day and I am already wondering why I bother putting it away, since I am just going to take it out again before too long. It's the handiest item I've ever had.

beckyferris said...

mmmm, smoothies! the only reason i don't make more is because of the hassle, i should get over it. cusinart's a good idea!

Willie and Henrietta said...

Great post. May I suggest for the truly lazy- hand held immersion blender. Dip it right down in the cup your using, mix, and then rinse the blade and off you go.

Orange and Blue Homes.com said...

This is funny! I will say that I have become addicted to coffee and (the bad full of useless calories) creamer. I'm not a morning person.
I also love smoothies...and what is better is a coffee smoothie. Coffee with yogurt and bananas or chocolate, or whatever else.
I like your blog, especially since I can't cook at all, but would like to be able to!

Jess said...

Like you, I'll take a smoothie over coffee any day. Your ideal "formula" sounds good to me. Great post.

Vorilee said...

If my smoothies aren't super cold, like fresh milkshake cold, and are runny, they aren't perfect.I like adding ice to mine and drinking them FAST.

Matt said...

I have almost the same breakfast; except I have low fat vanilla yoghurt. My weapon of choice is a stick blender. I make it in a big milkshake cup and the cleanup takes all of about 30 seconds.

zachary adam evans, wizard for hire said...

I have a feeling you would HATE these, but they taste exactly like if you made a berry/banana smoothie flavored Airhead (you know, the chewy candy thing?). Anyway, totally cover my smoothie craving when I' already 10 minutes late to work.
http://powerbarstore.com/imagesEdp/p90213.jpg

Léna, said...

agreed alicia, if anything (besides inedible) that kind of smoothie should be called a juice or something else. i think a banana or mango is definitely needed for the title "smoothie".xL

Ivy said...

Beautiful blog. Yum.

Amber said...

i just wanted to say that, as a journalist, it's pretty much required that I drink coffee all day. And yet I don't and never have; I also don't smoke. That means everyone always hates me because I don't share in their vices and it also means I never know the insider stuff b/c you don't catch me by the coffee machine or on the smoke break.

Kylie said...

Something not raw but good and green is something I have on a regular basis. It consists of...
-half a fresh mango
-a handful of spinach leaves
-1 frozen banana
-soymilk (about 1/4-1/2 cup)
-cinnamon & cardamom to taste
-1 pitted date, chopped
and sometimes I'll add in some ground flax seed, peanut butter, avocado, or protein powder for extra nutrition. it's super good!!

j.cro said...

I never thought to make a smoothy in my Cuisenart either! I think I'm going to have to try that.

I don't drink caffeine for the same reasons you do (and I too get up wicked early) - it makes me jittery and gives me a stomach ache and takes HOURS to get out of my system. However, I don't give a hoot about ordering/drinkin decaf - I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the taste of coffee.

Thanks for this great post - I think I'm going to make smoothies this weekend!

cmykcommodoll said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this blog, and I laughed out loud about 7 times! Great blogging, I am now an avid reader. :)

Nell said...

I like to throw in a tablespoon or so of peanut or other nut butter. A little fat makes me feel full for a lot longer. Yum!

Marfa said...

I'm a morning person too...and don't drink coffee...but love some tea! Or that smoothie...even better!!! I rarely go to the effort of making a smoothie, just eat the fruit as is...

heartpump said...

as a raw foodie, the smoothie i always make is with spinach, banana, almonds and some kinda frozen berry. it's actually fuckin bomb, i shit you not!! there is absolute zero hint of a spinach flavor since spinach is pretty flavorless when raw. kale in a smoothie, however? nah dawg!